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your way Abba...

if you know me very well, you know how much i fear and hate bugs. it doesn’t matter what kind, what size. i’m so fearful of them and they STRESS ME OUT so much. and i really mean it. i get extremely stressed out. you want to know how bad it is? here’s an example. when i first encountered a house centipede in my current apt, it took me an hour to kill it. i had my sister on speaker phone the entire time. i was wearing rubber gloves, even though i wasn’t even close to touching it. i was wearing sunglasses in my dark apt at 10pm because i didn’t want to look directly at it. (yes, it’s embarrassing to admit to it but i hope it proves my point). even after i killed it by spraying ounces and ounces of raid, it took me another 15 minutes to figure out how to actually dispose it. and my heart was still pounding, legs were weak, and hands were shaky for another half an hour. since then, i scan all the walls and floors of my apt before i enter. i’ve been doing this for a year now but the stress and fear are still present. they don’t go away. it’s almost like a new experience every time.

below is an excerpt from Jonathan Edwards’ sermon preached on July 8th, 1741 in Connecticut, titled “Sinners in the Hands of An Angry God.” i hope this read convicts and encourages you, even though you may not get stressed out about bugs like i do.

"The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect, over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked: his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. You have offended him infinitely more than ever a stubborn rebel did his prince: and yet, it is nothing but his hand that holds you from falling into the fire every moment. It is to be ascribed to nothing else, that you did not go to hell the last night; that you was suffered to awake again in this world, after you closed your eyes to sleep. And there is no other reason to be given, why you have not dropped into hell since you arose in the morning, but that God’s hand has held you up. There is no other reason to be given why you have not gone to hell, since you have sat here in the house of God, provoking his pure eyes by your sinful wicked manner of attending his solemn worship. Yea, there is nothing else that is to be given as a reason why you do not this very moment drop down into hell. O sinner! consider the fearful danger you are in: it is a great furnace of wrath, that you are held over in the hand of that God, whose wrath is provoked and incensed as much against you, as against many of the damned in hell. You hang by a slender thread, with the flames of divine wrath flashing about it, and ready every moment to singe it, and burn it asunder; and you have no interest in a Mediator, and nothing to lay hold of to save yourself, nothing to keep off the flames of wrath, nothing of your own, nothing that you ever have done, nothing that you can do, to induce God to spare you one moment."

Things that used to be so ordinary suddenly became a surreal experience: Being able to just stand here, watching the clouds move, enjoying the bright sun, hearing the birds chirp, feeling the cool breeze on my face, smelling the scent of fresh summer, being surrounded by the green foliage, listening to the soft rustling sound of wind blowing through the leaves, and being thankful for not getting tied down by set time and schedule. How none of these feel mundane or forced but breathtaking and life giving. Wishfully hoping to stay here forever as I see the golden rays of light coloring in on the leaves…


Bees are always buzzing ‘bout the flowers they have seen.
And every tree is trending,
I don’t miss my little screen, because
The sky won’t need a filter
And the birds tweet just to say:
You should really take a walk on this lovely 
sunny day.

I love sunny days! :)

“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.”
Deuteronomy 29:29

i may have not known the full weight of what it means to follow Christ as His faithful disciple when i professed my faith in front of my brothers and sisters 8 years ago on the resurrection day. and by no means that i fully do now. but i can say this with confidence, that the power of resurrection is still real, the walk is still difficult, but He is still faithful, and still grateful for His saving grace.


No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.


How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


time to time i think about dropping everything i’m currently doing and just taking off. build an orphanage, school, safe house, or sth. become a carpenter! having some very basic first aid training and medical knowledge will be helpful too. k, i’ll stop there. i wonder if and when that time will ever come.

maybe i just don’t want to face my sinfulness. maybe i just want to escape from everyone else’s sinfulness, sorrows, grievances, pains. maybe i’m just longing for His Kingdom to be here. and i know there needs to be work done before the time comes, but i still yearn.

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